Hansen/Benson family reunion 2014

I’ve been in a period of what I refer to as the dark night.  It happens gradually, and I don’t always realize its downward spiral immediately.  It’s something I’ve grown to expect in winter--a seasonal affective disorder plus.  My energy fades, my social skills diminish, I am irritated, angry and sad.  Colors dim.  Things that normally brighten my life appear dull and gray.  But Life always returns. 

This spring and summer did not bring the usual resurrection that I expect and summer has dragged on in shades of gray, though I recognize and welcome the sunshine, beautiful days, blue skies that I know objectively are there.  I’ve felt lifeless even among family and friends—and worse yet, I’ve felt grumpy, crabby, and just plain rude—talking and not listening—focused primarily on me.  I’ve not been able to meditate or read.  Little ability to concentrate.  God seemed distant and unavailable.     

            Being sick this last five weeks was the culmination for me.  At first I only had energy to sleep and sip water and tea.  I recovered enough to attend our family reunion in Cheboygan—something I’d been looking forward to for months.  I was a fairly passive participant, taking my crabbiness and anger out on my sister the first couple of days.  I’m not good at saying “I’m sorry”, but I saw clearly what I was doing and prayed to change my attitude and enjoy as much as I could and not ruin it for others. 

As the waters of Lake Huron, the laughter and joy of grandchildren (mine and my sisters’), short walks with my sister, Carol, family time around meals and bonfires, began to work their healing power, even as my night coughing kept me awake and exhausted.  I learned again that there are some things I can’t control (my cough and exhaustion), but with awareness and grace, I can control my attitude, not always perfectly, but once aware, I can change my focus to the Love and beauty that always surrounds me when I open my eyes and heart to it.  Surrounded by love of family and nature, my depression lifted.

Back at home, I continued a bit of a rollercoaster ride, as healing took a bump I now find humorous, but was no laughing matter at the time.  According to an article one of my doctors found on Google, I may be one of a very few people in North America to have ingested a fly egg which grew into a larvae which I coughed up.  (They documented the specimen and that seems to be the end of it).  I’m undergoing many tests, checking out all systems and so far everything has returned to normal and is in fine shape.  My cough, however, persists—a puzzle and an annoyance.  My energy is returning and I am walking long walks and bike riding again.  The sky is bluer, the colors brighter, with only momentary cloudy times, as when the clouds pass over the sun.  I’ve been able to meditate again and a friend suggested a new book on the Monks of Mt. Athos—a book about pilgrimage.

Today I experienced another miracle.  Following meditation, I was reading about pilgrimage, I read, there are “Some places in this world where eternity touched the earth…” By going there some people “are able to reestablish contact with the eternal element within themselves.”  Knowing that at 76 years of age, I will not be climbing mountains nor will I be going to a hermitage,  I asked myself, “Metaphorically, what is that place for me?”.    In asking the question, the sky became bluer, my spirit lifted, and I felt a joy I had not felt in months. 

On my computer a while later, I checked e-mails and Facebook—our family’s way of staying in touch that has been even more valuable to me since our reunion.  On FB, was a post of my nephew’s wife, Jill, singing in public for the first time since recovering from throat surgery.  Tears flowed and I smiled as the joy of her beautiful soprano voice flowed over me—“You’ve got to wade in the water…God’s gonna trouble the water.”   I laughed as I remembered that I last saw Jill three weeks ago.  We waded in the waters of Lake Huron, as we celebrated our extended family, our lives, and the beauty of God’s world.   Yes, “God’s gonna trouble the water” and invites us to wade in it.  I have my answer for today, and the sun is shining bright, both inside and out.   The water is waiting.